A-Z Survival Guide to Life

U – UFOs

This is the twenty-first installment in the A-Z Survival Guide to Life I am writing for my boys.

I spent two days trying to come up with something useful to discuss that started with the letter “U”. I perused the lists of amazing words, and did actually find a word I really liked – ultracrepidate. It means to criticize beyond one’s sphere of knowledge.  It is a great word, but I was afraid if I used it, I would look like I was trying to be smarter than I really am, or I had just randomly picked some word out of a list of words that started with the letter “U”. And how often would one really be able to use the word “ultracrepidate”?  Actually, social media is filled with people who like to ultracrepidate, but could you really use this word and not sound like you were just trying to find ways to use the “Word of the Day”.

In instances, such as these, I always turn to you two, for input, advice and ideas. And “UFOs” was the idea or subject that you suggested.  You guys thought ultracrepidate, although an interesting word, would make for a boring post.  But a post about “UFO’s” was something really useful, which might come in handy at a later date.  We had a long discussion about what you would do if captured by aliens and taken on board.   Here is the gist of our conversation.

Being captured by aliens and taken aboard a “UFO” – According to my youngest, this would be “totally bad ass.” I tend to disagree.  I said if I saw a large, round object glowing in the woods, I would most certainly not go towards it, I would run as fast as I could the other direction.  You guys said you WOULD go towards it, you would ASK to be invited aboard.  I don’t understand this mindset at all, but this post is for you, so we would go towards the round glowing sphere, and I suppose hope for the best.

Let the aliens study you – According to you two, it would be best to succumb to an investigation by the aliens. It would behoove you (I had a Nursing Instructor who loved this word, I can’t believe I am actually using it) to not fight, or resist being studied.  In your opinion fighting against an examination by the aliens would lead them to think you were Neanderthal-like, and they would most likely just dump you off the space craft because they in all probability came to Earth to visit the Neanderthals. To the aliens it would be a “been there, done that” kind of thing.  However, your thought was, if you acted with some intelligence, and calmly allowed them to proceed with their investigation, they might keep you longer and treat you as an intellectual equal. Seems to me to be kind of a stretch, but again this is a post for you, so we will go with that.

Attempt to communicate with the aliens – Assuming that you survive being studied and experimented with (hopefully they won’t do anything too weird, like disembowel you to see how unevolved our gastrointestinal system really is) you should attempt to communicate with the aliens. From the reports and stories I read last night about alien abductees (hopefully the FBI never seizes my computers and looks at my Google searches- because they will think I am completely whacky), the aliens do not communicate with their mouths, they communicate with their minds.  One must keep an open mind, when communicating with aliens.  Try not to think about how scary they look, or the fact that that they have a “five head” – because their foreheads are so much bigger than ours. The aliens may be smarter than us, but there are things they can learn from us as well. And according to you two, there is so much to be learned from aliens. Absorb everything they have to offer.  This can be a learning experience for all involved parties.  As a side note, the aliens would probably dump me off the space ship, out of total boredom, because all I would be thinking is “Please let me go, I just want to go home.”

Ask for a tour of the UFO – Here is where we completely disagree. You two think it would be great to go on a little trip to outer space with your abductees. I do not.  I would just want to be put back where they found me, in one piece.  You, on the other hand, want to tour the space ship, see their technology, and really learn from the aliens. You want to go on a little “Sunday Drive” through other galaxies, travel through black holes, from one universe to another and generally go on a joy ride with the aliens. I wonder if they have seatbelts in spaceships? And I think that is great, you being so open to this type of learning experience.  My one bit of advice, after having done research on this topic, is don’t take anything from the spaceship.  This will anger the aliens, although they don’t seem to find anything wrong with prodding and poking you. They will send men dressed in black suits to retrieve the objects taken.  These “men in black” are not nice fellows.

Try not to have your memory erased – According to you, the aliens will want to erase your memory and this is something that you think is a bad idea. In my estimation, I think having your memory erased would be a good thing.  Again, if you survive such an experience, could you live out the rest of your life on earth, remembering you were abducted by aliens?  You might become obsessed with trying to pass this experience on to others, and I suspect most people would think you are completely insane.  The government would find out and want to lock you away in Area 51.  Of course you guys think this would be great as you have been talking about how cool it would be to visit Area 51 since you were little kids.  But I suspect the US Government will probably not be as gracious as your alien hosts.

Final thoughts on being abducted by aliens – While conducting my cursory internet research last night on aliens and UFOs, I found a story about the lumberjacks in Arizona. In this story, one of the lumberjacks is abducted, and completely disappears for 5 days.  He returns naked, and many pounds lighter, perhaps 30 pounds lighter.  30 pounds in 5 days.  Now, I am thinking to myself, this alien abduction thing might not be so bad after all.

Photo credit – nationalave.com