My dear, dear Opioid Addict – I do you love you so. From the minute I first met you over 24 years ago, I vowed to protect you from pain and misery. Recently though, in an effort to keep that vow, I now know, I have perpetuated your misery and suffering. I am an enabler.
And I am so, so sorry!
Looking back, over these last 10 months, picking apart each event, it all seems so clear – now. But isn’t that the case for most unexpected tragedies and tribulations – when you are in the midst of it all, the clues that seem so apparent, were just swirling in the vortex, like debris picked up by a tornado.
At first, when you returned home, from your job up north, we thought you were tired, we thought you had the flu. You were pale and gaunt, and looked so different from the day you left. When we stood in the driveway, the day of your departure, you were a picture of health, standing tall, full of vigor, happy to be embarking on a new adventure. Upon your return, the life had gone from your eyes, the energy from your body – as though the Dementors from Harry Potter had drained your very life force.
We talked in whispered conversations about depression – maybe that was it. We agreed you would snap out of it, turn around and return to your bodybuilding, your healthy lifestyle, you would smile, and say stupid things, make silly jokes, spend time with your friends. But none of that happened. You just pulled further into yourself. You wern’t turning around at all, you were slipping further and further away.
And then COVID – 19 reared it’s ugly head, and the world came to a screeching halt.
I tried to talk to you, as we had always done. I didn’t think we had secrets. You said you were depressed becaue of the pandemic, becaue you had no money, because the gym was closed. I believed you. I gave you money, for gas, for groceries, for little things you needed here and there. And with the infusion of cash, you perked up, and we all sighed a collective sigh of relief – perhaps things were improving. But the money I transferred into your account would be pulled out at the ATM, within the hour. I asked you about that – I said why aren’t you using your debit card, did you lose it? And you said no – I just pull it out because I have so many subscriptions to games and apps, I don’t want the money to be gone, I am just using cash. I believed you – but in the back of my mind – things weren’t adding up. My mother’s intuition shouted – things are bad, but my mind ignored those proclamations.
I don’t know what was more shocking and heartbreaking through all of this – when I first realized you were blatantly lying to me, to all of us – or your rapid personal and physical deterioration. Of course, it all adds up now.
There was the sudden change in personal hygiene. The laying around for hours, watching anime, under blankets, and dressed in heavy sweatshirts and pants. The time you vomited in the driveway and just left it there to bake in the California summer sun. The time a young man, who I had never met before (and I thought I knew all of your friends) came to our front door, asking for you. I asked you who he was, and you said he was old friend. I later learned, he was your drug dealer – I hated him, with every fiber in my body.
Or the time I got up to go to work, and you were up, bouncing around, completely manic. I smelled alcohol on your breath at 5 in the morning. You disappeared after that, and I realized you had driven off. In a panic, I called you, you never answered. I waited, drinking my coffee, chewing on my thumb nail – preparing myself for a call, the call to inform me you had been in accident, injured yourself, or worse – injured someone else. And while waiting, I discovered a text from you, sent at 3:00 in the morning, with a video – showing a huge gash in your hood. In the video, you were looking wide-eyed, horrified at this gash. You said some guys had done this to your truck. But it wasn’t some guys, it was you.
I waited with a heavy heart, for you to return from your early morning foray. About 20 minutes later, you came through the door, paler than ever, with terror in your eyes. You had been in an accident, a little fender-bender in the Mcdonalds drive through – and driven off because you were scared. The man had your license plate number, and reported it to the police. They arrived 20 minutes later. We stood in the driveway, at 6 o’clock in the morning, talking with the police, I in my bathrobe, and you with tears in your eyes. The policeman were young men, both very pleasant, they knew you were impaired – I thought it was just a lack of sleep. But they didn’t issue a citation, they only warned you – you needed help. And I realized at that point you were in a terrible, terrible predicament, and we were too.
You complained of severe insomnia, and anxiety. Your bowels were a mess. I sent you to the doctor, several times. She prescribed medications – Trazadone, Remeron, and other medications I had never heard of. None of them helped.
It was your brother that finally spoke up. He was tired of the whispered conversations in the laundry room, on the patio. And like a bull in a china shop, he called you up, and accused you of being a drug addict, and you needed to get “your shit together” because you were bleeding the family dry, emotionally and financially. I felt he was being too harsh, he said I coddled you. And for a week or two – things seemed to better. You had more energy, you were eating a bit. We gave you money to go out to lunch with your girlfriend, for groceries for her house – you said she didn’t eat that much and it wasn’t right for her to pay for your groceries. I gave you money to help purchase a TV for her new apartment – because watching shows on her computer was annoying. I believed you over and over. None of it was true.
But after a month or two, of you vomiting, sneaking your Dad’s vodka, hiding the tell-tale glasses in your closet and your room, of staggering down the hall in the middle of the day – falling asleep on the sofa while eating cereal, and letting it spill between the cushions – we could no longer ignore the fact we had a huge and very serious issue.
I called a rehab facility in town, after I discovered they accepted our health insurance, and spoke with the owner. He was a former heroin addict. I told him our story. And he said – your son is an opioid addict. And I remember I gasped, like someone had punched me in the stomach – I will never forget that sound. He knew all the tricks – he had done the same things to his Mom. He said I was an enabler, and I felt like I had been slapped across the face. He said go get a drug test – one that includes a test for Fentanyl – and confront your son. He told me to make you take the drug test, and if it came back positive, I was to call his rehab facility and he would have a bed ready for you in his detox unit.
Opioid addict, rehab, detox unit – your son has a drug addiction and will not live to see 30, all I could think – was how have we arrived here, listening to these words. He told me – there are no old drug addicts these days, because the pills on the streets are all laced with Heroin and Fentanyl, and an accidental overdose because of these additives, is the cause of today’s addicts’ demise. After ending the conversation, I cried and cried and cried. I knew it was bad, but I had convinced myself it was manageable. But hearing these words, in reference to you – each word was like a stab in my heart. Opioid addict – stab, detox unit – stab, rehab facility – stab, overdose – stab, stab and stab.
I relayed everything the rehab facility owner and I had discussed to your Dad. I could see him sinking further and further into the patio chair, deflated, not believing these words. And when we were able to summon the energy, we went searching for a drug test. We went to Rite-Aid, to CVS, to Walgreens – all the shelves which held the home drug tests were empty – except for one. It occured to us, we weren’t alone out there.
I waited for you to come home with trepidation in my heart. And when you did – I sat you down, at the patio table, and said I had spoken to a drug rehab specialist, and from what I had gathered, what we, as a family had seen over the last 8 months, was you have a serious drug addiction. I tried so hard to be strong, to keep back that ache welling up in my throat, and keep the tears at bay as I uttered those words. You sat back in your chair, as if someone had sucker-punched you and denied it. You said – why does everyone think I am a drug addict, and I said, how could we not think that. I said, you need to take a drug test, and if it is negative, we will never say another word, but if it is positive – we need to take action.
And for the first time in months, the truth came rolling out, hesitantly at first, and then in a torrent. You said – you don’t need to test me, I will tell you everything I take. I was relieved you were finally being honest with me, but truly horrified by the words that followed. You told me, while at your new job, the pressure to perform had been so overwhelming, you purchased Adderall to keep going, to be more productive, to work longer. For two months, you took these pills, every single day. But then you began to feel bad, when you didn’t take them. Your performance was slipping, you couldn’t focus – unless you took the pills. And after some research, you discovered these pills you had bought from the dealer off the streets – were laced with Fentanyl and Heroin, and you realized you were an addict. To counteract the horrendous withdrawal symptoms and after some more research, you discovered that Percocet and Oxycontin would minimize the symptoms – make you feel normal and bring you back to baseline. And that was what you had been doing all of these months. Trying to get back to your baseline, trying not to feel like death. And when you couldn’t find the pills, you drank, but that was like putting a little, tiny bandaid, on a huge gaping laceration. Nothing helped the anxiety, the nervousness, the insomnia. Nothing but the Percocets, and the Oxycontin. But you said you were taking only pharmaceutical grade pills, nothing that came off of the streets, you said you were being careful.
I told you I had spoken with the owner of a drug addiction facility in town, and the recommendation was we send you to rehab. You cried when I said that. I cried when you cried. You swore you would do better, you could fight this yourself and I said – okay. I was so wrong. I was so naive.
I called the owner of the rehab facility and told him about our conversation. He said – he can’t do it by himself – the withdrawal symptoms are so painful, so horrible – the sweating, the nausea, the chills, the muscle and bone pain – a drug addict will do anything to not experience the withdrawal, to not feel like that. I said, we will see how things go, maybe he can kick this. He said – I will be hearing from you in a couple of weeks, because there is no way for him to get better by himself. I felt like he was being a naysayer. But again – I was so terribly wrong.
You seemed like you were doing better after our conversation. But you weren’t doing better at all, you were just more accomplished at hiding what you were doing. It wasn’t until your Dad, who has recently retired, and stays home all day – mentioned things were definitely getting worse – you were getting worse – that we realized something had to be done quickly. You were wearing sweats, while it was over 100 degrees outside, you were laying around, watching Anime all day. I was giving you money, for gas, for groceries, and it turned out your Dad was also giving you money for gas and groceries. When you seemed perkier, more like yourself, it wasn’t because you were improving, it was because you had managed to get some more pills, enough to keep the snarling hounds of withdrawal away from your door.
And so while you were out, my Dad and I had a discussion. Your brother and hid girlfriend were there, and your best friend, also happened to be visiting. They had all noticed things weren’t getting any better. Your brother said you were never going to get better if we kept giving you money, as if this was all our fault. Your friend said everyone in your circle of acquaintances had noticed how withdrawn you were, how thin you were, and how irascible you had become. They all knew you had a drug addiction. And I cried out, why didn’t you say something. Was it some sort of millenial code of honor, some code of silence, to watch your friend slip away, to not snitch them out to their parents, to save them. He said – we thought you knew. And I said, what kind of parents do you thihk we are, to knowingly let our son just slip away?
And when all of the fingerpointing had died down – we came up with a plan. We would have your girlfriend bring you home, we would all be there, and we would get to the bottom of this. You were going to go to rehab – one way or another.
I called the rehab facility owner. I could tell by his voice, he had been expecting my call. He said to be strong, but not confrontational. He said we should say you had to go to rehab, or else you were no longer allowed to live with us. I knew in my heart, I would never send you out on the streets, so this had to work, it absolutely had to.
We waited for you and your girlfriend to arrive. I paced, I folded laundry, your Dad played endless games of Candy Crush. We were all so nervous, not knowing what your reaction would be. Would you storm out of the house, would you accuse us of plotting against you, behind your back, involving your girlfriend?
It was your brother – he spoke first. He said – you have a problem, we have known that for a while. We know you are an addict. Those words – when they came out, just hung in the air. Drug addict, drug addict – those words, words that I thought would never be said in our house, had finally come out for everyone to hear. At first you looked horrified, hurt, you looked at me, pleading with your eyes, to make this stop – but we barreled on. I said – there is no denying this, it is not a secret – you need help, and you need it immediately.
And that is when you sunk further into the sofa, defeated, And you cried. The story came out, about the Adderall pills you had bought on the streets, that unbeknownst to you, were laced with Fentanyl and Heroin and in trying not to withdraw – you had turned to the Percocets, and the Oxycontin. And you were so sorry you had lied, and been so untruthful for so long. You had tried to get off this stuff by yourself, but had become so violently sick, you had no choice but to get money, get more Percocet – the Percocet made you feel somewhat normal, somewhat functional. But it was a merry-go-round from which you couldn’t escape. And you cried, and cried and cried. There was so much pain in that room, months and months of being controlled by a drug. Months and months of misery which had infiltrated our home and broken our family. You cried from despair, you cried from relief and you cried from remorse. And we cried right along with you – from guilt, from feeling so helpless and ignorant, and from the pain that whirled around the room.
You agreed to go to rehab. I contacted the rehab facility owner, he was awaiting my call. He asked how you were doing, I said you had been crying for about an hour, you couldn’t stop. He found you a bed in southern California. I took you to a detox center south of Los Angeles, we left at 5 in the morning after a sleepless night. The trip there was long, made longer by watching you begin to feel bad, about an hour outside of Los Angeles. The trip home, by myself was even longer, as I beat myself up over all the mistakes I had made over the last 8 months, about the fact you had suffered all of those months in silence and you hadn’t trusted us enough to help you.
I was angry about the lies initially, but have since realized it wasn’t you at all – it was the drug, it was trying to avoid the withdrawal symptoms, and feel normal. There was no pleasure derived from taking these pills, you were only trying to survive. I realize all of that now.
When I finally summoned enough energy to tackle the job of cleaning your room, while you were in rehab – I could feel the torment you had suffered, splatterd across the walls, folded up in the vomit laden blankets sitting in the bottom of your closet under a massive pile of dirty clothes. The pain you had suffered alone hung like a thick fog in the air of your bedroom. I found all of the empty glasses, stashed away in the back of your closet, sticky with the dried vodka you had drank. I scrubbed and scrubbed the walls, and washed everything over and over. And cried again and again – not only because I could feel the residual of your suffering, but because I now knew you had suffered alone, in the hours when everyone was sleeping – you were fighting this raging demon by yourself. And that broke my heart.
I am so sorry. Sorry that we didn’t help you sooner, sorry that you felt you couldn’t turn to us for help, sorry that I tried to brush this all away, pretend your drug addiction was not a problem.
With all my love,
Categories: Family, Parenting, Young Adults
This broke my heart for you. I had to block my heart from falling deep into your pain. Having a child with a substance abuse problem is the worst pain of all (I don’t have a child, but other loved ones).
There is alcoholism all around me.
I attended al-anon for years. It’s only helpful if you find a good, healthy group. Some just sit around and either complain or become bossy judgments. I had to search until I found a healthy group.
A healthy group is one that does neither of the above two. A healthy group will support you in taking care of yourself. They will share their own stories and what they did to climb out of the deep dark pit of self-blame, anger, and despair. They will give you tools on how not to “enable” and remind you that all you can do is take care of you. Let the addict fix themselves, because it will give them back confidence that they are working out their issues for themselves. They need to discover who they are, and all you can do is love them. Let them know you’re pulling for them, that you’ll be there on the other side, but take care of your own mental and physical health so you have the strength to love them.
Sending hugs of comfort to you.
Hi Lori, It has been so long – but it is heart-warming to hear from you. You are right, I do need to find a support group, someone that understands the issues my son and our family have been going through. I wrote this post, not for sympathy, but because I needed to let other families know of the monster that is lurking out on the streets, waiting to sneak into your house, to destroy the security, the trust and tear family members apart with anger and guilt. I am sure there are many families like ours, with good kids, who make some really bad choies, and it leads the child and their family down some very dark paths. I had no inkling about how prevalent this issue is, no idea at all. Sure – I read about the opioid crisis, but I didn’t know it could sneak in disguised in the form of Adderall pills (it seems all of the kids are taking this stuff, in hopes it will allow them to study harder, be more focused). I didn’t even know taking Adderall was a thing. I have learned so much from this – and if I can share what we learned – maybe other families will see the clues earlier, and get their child the help they need.
As always, thank-you so very much for your support, you are a good blogging friend!
Hope all is well with you!!
This is so heart-breaking. I can’t imagine the pain your family is going through right now. Big ((hugs)) and I hope there are better days ahead. ❤️
Hi – my Anxious Mom, it has been a while. Yes – the whole situation has been so awful for everyone involved, and most importantly, for my son – who thought he could take Adderall and it would help his perfomance at work – but in the end led him down a path of absolute horrors. He is back from rehab now, and seems like his old self. He says it is so nice to enjoy the little things, he is back at the gym, training hard, feeling musle aches and pains from strenuous exercise, and not withdrawal symptoms. He loves food again, and is sleeping, and laughing again. But we are all still very careful, watching, and he knows we are watching. But he understands why, and is grateful we care enough to do so.
All I can say – is keep the lines of communication open, and don’t ever assume that you are out of the woods when it comes to potential drug use. Don’t ever assume it can’t happen to your family – because these kids are taking all kinds of pills out there – Xanax, Clonopin, Percocets – beats the crap out of me as to why one would want to, but it seems to be acceptable practice for the young adults of today. And all those pills on the streets are pressed with Fentanyl and Heroin, I guess that’s the way the drug dealers are ensuring they keep their customer base coming back for more, and when the money runs out, the kids turn to Heroin, because it is cheap and readily available. So scary! If my blog post helps one family to see the clues, all of the cluse we missed in our ignorance regarding this problem, I will feel like I have really done something useful!
I hope all is well with your family!! So glad to hear from you!!!
Oh my goodness this about broke my heart. Addictions can and do destroy families and I am sincerely sorry you had to experience this. All involved need help as how best to handle this crisis and to handle this for the rest of your lives. There is alcoholism in my family and I know up close and personal how alcohol can destroy lives. The conditions in this world today leads to so much pressure on our young people making it almost impossible to keep up or perform according to the “standards”. Facing the problem is the first step of recovery. Your boy has to want to be helped in order to stay clean. That is his responsibility and regardless of how much counseling he receives, he has to want to live drug free. I pray that this difficult journey leads you to people who truly care and who will offer you and your family the very best options. Just writing this post I am sure alleviated a huge piece of the stress laying on your shoulders. I whole-heartedly wish you the very best!!
Thank-you for the supportive, encouraging words. He really does want to just be “normal” and he seems to be doing so much better. But our trust will take some time to return, as it has been a harrowing time for the entire family.
Congratulations, SD. For getting through this chapter. For being strong. For being there for your son. Really, you all have done what’s needed: Make him realize he’s ready to go get that help. OK, it wasn’t easy to get to that last page, but now you all can do the work needed to begin a better next chapter. Bless you all. You have my ear and thoughts.
He has returned from detox and rehab – and seems to be doing so much better, now in Intensive Outpatient Therapy. We are all reservedly relieved, and holdinng our breaths. Thank-you for your kind support!!!
I’m glad to hear the healing continues, SD.
I just don’t know what to say. That’s so heartfelt and it has completely blown me away. That’s so hard and I’m so glad your lad is back home. It’s a long road but I hope things continue to improve. People can and do move past this stuff. With enough love and enough support and it sound as if your lad has that. Indeed, it’s clear your love means a great deal to him and perhaps it has supported him more than you realise. For what it’s worth, it’s really hard to see addiction. We are all enablers at the start. Two people in my life were alcoholics, both crashed at the same time, one survived another year but had a heart attack which left him brain damaged. He died later, the other died at the time. Right until the end I had no clue and then suddenly, after they both ended up in hospital, looking at the two of them, I finally put two and two together and made four. I could ask myself a lot of questions about both of them, about my blindness and stupidity, but it isn’t going to help. This stuff tears apart families and destroys lives, you and your son have done amazing things, seriously amazing things to get this far. Long may it continue. Peace and blessings on your and yours xxx.
Thank-you for the kind and supportive words. I had no idea, before our family became mired in this, that a loved one’s addiction seems to touch everyone’s life, it is everywhere. My son seems to be doing well, he is eating us out of house and home – but we are happy his appetite is back (with a vengeance). He is back in the gym everyday – working on his bodybuilding. But we are so watchful, and I hope he doesn’t notice. I feel like, with my breath held, we have come out of this fairly unscathed. We shall see.
Here’s hoping. All my fingers and toes are crossed for you. 🧡
First, I’m pleased to read in the comments that your son is coming out of it, and I feel so bad for what you have had to suffer. It’s a story I’ve heard before, unconscious enablers and even deliberate enablers. The only thing that seems to work is tough love, cutting off the cash, turning them out of the house. Your son had a job that pressurised him, and the path to drug abuse has been a tragic one. He’s in a better position than the kids I’ve read about whose habit started when they were still at school, never worked, and at 24 were still living at home, sponging off parents who where going out to meet dealers to keep them supplied with heroin.
You’re very brave for talking about this and doing what needed doing. I do hope he keeps clean now!
He is doing well – looks so much better!! Thank-you!!I did ask him prior to posting and he told me to please post, because kids need to know this will sneak into your house and lives and cause total chaos!! Maybe if they heard his story they wouldn’t think street Adderall was such a benign substance!!
I really kept wanting to read, “This is a story I am working on,” but I knew it wasn’t.
It was too real.
Praying for you all. I was lucky, my person came to me and said, “I need help.”
I didn’t know where to turn, but someone else did.
I know what you went through with the crying, for me it was the entire trip to the recovery.
I am glad you posted and he agreed.
Thank-you! He is doing so much better and no longer on that horrible roller coaster. He is back at the gym, getting back in shape and eating like a horse!!
By the way, you know me as Manee Trautz, from thecreationofmaneetrautz.
Recreating myself after a similar experience threw me off course before Covid. Going to pray for us all.
I hope all is well with you. I noticed the Lin to your old blog had been accessed through mine Is everything ok?
Yes, everything is great. I am just going in a different direction.
So many times, this story would end with a funeral. I applaud the honesty! Well written!
So sad. Also, terrifying.
Yes – I honestly felt like we were trapped I. The middle of a nightmare
Oh, so impossibly hard as a parent and heartbreaking to even read this. But I understand and can sympathize, because I would probably think and do the same things. Love manifests initially as denial, but true love, deep love demands courage and strength. The best of us get there even though it hurts to the core. I hope your family’s dark journey ends in light and long lasting recovery. <3 <3
Thank-you so much!!
Thanks for sharing this. I can’t imagine how hard that would be to get through and very glad to hear that your son is getting the help he needs. Our best to you and your family and here’s to better days ahead.
Thank-you for reading! Yes it has been such a difficult time, but I hope we are through the worst of it. We wait with watchful eyes!
Wow, this is so incredibly poignant and heartbreaking. I feel for you and him and I so hope the future brings peace and health. You sound like an amazing mom, and I think your son knows you love him and would do anything for him, even when its hard for both of you.
Thank-you for the comment. I think he does know I would do anything within my power to help him. He is doing so much better
This weekend, their best friend found his brother dead in his bed from an overdose, probably something laced with Fentanyl, and it really hit home hard – that this could have been our son, if we hadn’t intervened. It’s a scary, scary world out there!
Dear SD — our children’s struggles feel so much like our own … because of how much we love them. You and your family are truly brave to attempt this walk of honesty and support. Loving one who fights addiction takes its toll on us (as experience has taught me, too). I do hope you have a support group for yourself. Many such groups exist, offering wisdom, sharing strength and hope, and confidentiality; the people there can understand and support you as few others can.
Thank you Donna! Yes, it was really a most horrible time, but we made it through, and now we are just holding our breaths, we don’t want to celebrate too soon. He is doing remarkably well. If I hadn’t been away, taking care of my Mum (hence the Somber Days photo) back at the beginning of 2020, I don’t think things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand. But – it is pointless to sit around thinking “what if’s” we just plug along and do what needs to be done.
So glad for you that life is better! Enjoy, hug, and laugh ~
What a powerful story. I’m truly at a loss for words, but feel the hurt and love and confusion through your words. I pray and hope this finds everyone in a better place since your last entry. This on top of the year our world is having….my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family!
Thank-you Kurt so much. This year, our family seems to recover from one tragedy, only to turn around and find another shadowing us. I know facing adversity is supposed to make us stronger, but come on – 2020, enough is enough. Hope all is well with you!!!
Speaking with 2 1/2 years of sobriety from opiates, this piece nails it. Well said. ❤️
Thank-you so much for letting me know. My son has still not been able to bring himself to read the post yet. I just hope that parents who are in this situation, oblivious to the signs, will read this in time, before it is too late. It is the only reason I wrote the post and the only reason my son encouraged me to write it. Too many parents like us, will wake up and find their child has died in their bed, just down the hallway from their own bedroom because of an overdose.